Lab tech allegedly tried selling stolen sperm

A laboratory technician faces up to seven years in prison for allegedly trying to sell sperm samples he stole from the sperm bank where he worked.

He has been ordered to replace the stolen samples by cleaning the sperm bank’s magazines.

“If he cleans enough magazines, he’ll run across plenty of sperm samples,” a sperm-bank representative said. “It’s just a matter of doing it before the pages stick together. Once sperm gets attached to a magazine page, it's ruined. No woman wants her baby to be half magazine ink.

“The kid would grow up traumatized. He’d be self-conscious about being the only kid with a backward ‘E’ on his nose. He’d be blacklisted from spelling bees. He would be scarred if the school cafeteria served alphabet soup. It would feel like cannibalism.

“It’s just as bad for an ink kid’s parents. They have to go into stores and ask whether children’s sheets and clothes contain Silly Putty.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24260478

Alleged subway groper faces life in prison

A New York man charged with illegally rubbing against a woman on a subway train may be sentenced to life in prison, having been arrested 53 times, mostly for groping.

For his comfort in prison, inmates planning to rape him would be limited to third base.

“He said he’s OK with being groped if it stops there, so we would keep him away from the inmates’ games of ‘Spin the Bottle,’” a prison official said. “They usually get out of control. I think the problem is the game play itself. They grab one of the smaller guys, place him in the middle of the circle and spin him. As it turns out, it doesn’t matter where he stops spinning. The bottle loses, especially when it’s spun face-down. It works out just like the prison version of Connect Four.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24112173

Man in electric wheelchair robs bank

Police in Palo Alto, Calif., are looking for a man who robbed a bank and made his getaway in an electric wheelchair, but investigators are unsure of whether the man was truly disabled.

Investigators expect to find out at the police lineup.

“We’ll know if this bank robber is actually disabled if he goes to the lineup wall in a belly crawl,” an investigator said. “That’s something criminals don’t do unless they don’t have a choice. Criminals like to conserve their upper-body strength, in case they’re invited to a short-notice jail fight. To show up with less than your best is just rude.

“If this bank robber turns out to actually be disabled, he’d better get a manual wheelchair before he goes to jail. If he keeps his electric wheelchair, he’ll have no excuse for showing up at jail fights with tired arms. But they might cut him some slack if he brings a nice bottle of wine. Most trouble in jail is related to poor etiquette. Those guys are kind of catty.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23990763

Obese relative’s fall may have crushed toddler

Investigators in La Joya, Texas, said a 2-year-old boy who died with a fractured skull might have been accidentally crushed after being fallen on by a morbidly obese, bed-ridden relative.

If charged, the woman would face execution by walking.

“Sure, we could put her down in a traditional way, but this way is more useful,” a prison official said. “We would use the footage for a dual-purpose ‘Scared Straight’ video made to keep kids away from jail and obesity. What would work better than footage of a morbidly obese woman dying in a jail walk? It’s just a matter of getting the video right on the first take.

“Also, it would give her a chance to go out on a high note, as far as physical activity. Death by lethal injection or the chair really isn’t good cardio. Fighting against the restraints works your abs and gets your heart rate up, but it’s not enough to burn fat. It’s like the pilates of execution, but without the infomercials.”

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/03/21/toddler.crushed.ap/index.html

Report: Zoo unprepared at time of tiger attack

According to a new report, although the San Francisco Zoo’s staff reacted well when a tiger fatally attacked a man in December, the zoo was unprepared for a tiger attack.

Inspectors said the exception was the tiger.

“You don’t just rip into a guy like that without some preparation,” an inspector said. “This tiger went to the hotel by the airport and took those workshops on how to save his best rage and not spend it on impulse attacks. When he got back to the zoo, he made a list of attack-related wants and needs, and he made sure not to maul somebody until he really needed to. That’s discipline.

“The tiger should have more than enough fury to cover his retirement. After so many years of being frugal with his rage, he should get to splurge once in a while. He should travel and occasionally maul the guy in the window seat who won’t stop talking to him. A retired tiger shouldn’t feel guilty about spending his anger. You can’t take it with you. And he’s worth it.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23701158

Sperm donors receive tickets to music festivals

Under the Sperm For Tickets initiative, men who make sperm donations in Europe will receive free tickets to any European music festival.

Men who produce sperm donations while in the ticket line will receive their tickets after they post bail.

“The police have a pretty nice setup prepared for these guys,” a Sperm For Tickets representative said. “They’ll get premium listing on the sex-offender registry, so they can notify their neighbors with a YouTube video instead of going door to door. A really good sex-offender announcement can open a lot of doors if the right people see it. It’s just a matter of holding a screening at a theater that’s within two miles and doesn’t have any children around.

“Aside from the legal issues, there’s a bigger problem with a bunch of guys whipping it out and making sperm donations in the ticket line: What would they put their sperm in? We couldn’t take sperm donations in soda cans they found outside. You can’t really pour sperm out of a soda can. Then we’d end up with enemies at the recycling center.”

http://www.nme.com/news/festival/35078

Overdrinking tied to health problems in seniors

According to a new study, people older than 65 are more likely to experience social trouble, medical problems and falls if they drink excessively.

Researchers said seniors can get the same results by waking up.

“For older people, overdrinking is empowering,” the lead researcher said. “At their age, they’re already falling apart, but heavy drinking makes them feel like they had a say. We all know that non-drinking seniors can have medical problems and falls for free, but you get what you pay for. Heavy drinking is an investment.

“Heavy-drinking seniors have peace of mind from having reliable health problems they can count on. On top of that, they can save money on medical costs because carrying a bottle around helps a doctor spot the problem. And there’s no better time for a senior to fall than when they’re drunk. They might have a hard time getting up at first, but things could turn around after a good blackout."

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23521949