Lab tech allegedly tried selling stolen sperm

A laboratory technician faces up to seven years in prison for allegedly trying to sell sperm samples he stole from the sperm bank where he worked.

He has been ordered to replace the stolen samples by cleaning the sperm bank’s magazines.

“If he cleans enough magazines, he’ll run across plenty of sperm samples,” a sperm-bank representative said. “It’s just a matter of doing it before the pages stick together. Once sperm gets attached to a magazine page, it's ruined. No woman wants her baby to be half magazine ink.

“The kid would grow up traumatized. He’d be self-conscious about being the only kid with a backward ‘E’ on his nose. He’d be blacklisted from spelling bees. He would be scarred if the school cafeteria served alphabet soup. It would feel like cannibalism.

“It’s just as bad for an ink kid’s parents. They have to go into stores and ask whether children’s sheets and clothes contain Silly Putty.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24260478

Con artists use fake $100 to rip off Girl Scouts

A pair of con artists in Colorado reportedly ripped off a Girl Scout group by using fake money to buy $100 worth of cookies.

Police said the con artists have been sentenced to diabetes.

“It might seem like they’re getting off easy with just diabetes, but it’ll be easier to catch them after they’ve had their feet amputated,” a police spokesman said. “I’ve never seen a footless person who was a strong runner. They have a hard time building momentum. Maybe it’s because they have problems with form.

“And they’ll never find a getaway car with stump-friendly pedals. They could try to attach some cup holders down there, but they’d have to slim down so their stumps would fit.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23244309

Man to spend night homeless after charity theft

A judge has ordered a Salvation Army worker who stole a kettle containing holiday donations to spend the night homeless.

The Salvation Army worker was ordered to relocate his usual homelessness.

“He had gotten too comfortable in his native skid row, so he couldn’t get any real punishment there,” the judge said. “Being connected defeats the purpose of being homeless. So we blindfolded him and took him to a new skid row that just opened, spun him around a few times and turned him loose.

“We also banned him from attending vagrant networking functions. That’s where vagrants, hobos, bums and winos get together to make housing and employment deals and discuss new products and services. They have a really good union.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22840216