Lab tech allegedly tried selling stolen sperm

A laboratory technician faces up to seven years in prison for allegedly trying to sell sperm samples he stole from the sperm bank where he worked.

He has been ordered to replace the stolen samples by cleaning the sperm bank’s magazines.

“If he cleans enough magazines, he’ll run across plenty of sperm samples,” a sperm-bank representative said. “It’s just a matter of doing it before the pages stick together. Once sperm gets attached to a magazine page, it's ruined. No woman wants her baby to be half magazine ink.

“The kid would grow up traumatized. He’d be self-conscious about being the only kid with a backward ‘E’ on his nose. He’d be blacklisted from spelling bees. He would be scarred if the school cafeteria served alphabet soup. It would feel like cannibalism.

“It’s just as bad for an ink kid’s parents. They have to go into stores and ask whether children’s sheets and clothes contain Silly Putty.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24260478

Man hits woman on way to anger-control class

A Minnesota man has pleaded guilty to assault charges for losing his temper and punching a woman in the face on his way to an anger-management class.

After punching the woman, he brought her to the anger-management class for show-and-tell.

“Show-and-tell is a fun little thing we do every week,” the instructor of the anger-management class said. “Each student brings in someone they’ve battered and tells the story of what led to the attack. Then, the beat-up person gives their account, if they’re able to speak. It’s like live theater, but with more concussions.

“We keep pictures of the victims they bring in every week, so we can measure the students’ anger-management progress. Each week, the pictures show the black eyes getting lighter and less swollen, and you see more teeth left and less blood as the students become less and less angry. Nothing beats seeing that picture of them gently choking someone while smiling. It makes a great flipbook.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23421960

Men take corpse to store to cash check

Two men were arrested on fraud charges after wheeling a dead man through the streets in an office chair and trying to cash his Social Security check at a check-cashing store.

The men said they presented the dead body as a form of identification.

“Everything we did was within the rules of the store,” one man said. “The cashier said asked for two forms of ID, so we brought the guy’s driver’s license and his body. No one ever said cashing a check requires vital signs.”

His partner described what they did as ventriloquism with a purpose.

“We did most of it from below the counter,” he said. “I held the body up against the counter, and my friend took care of all the motion, stuff like pushing the dead guy’s driver’s license across the counter with his hand. I did all of the dead guy’s talking, like explaining why he left one of his feet at the door.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22574676