Sperm donors receive tickets to music festivals

Under the Sperm For Tickets initiative, men who make sperm donations in Europe will receive free tickets to any European music festival.

Men who produce sperm donations while in the ticket line will receive their tickets after they post bail.

“The police have a pretty nice setup prepared for these guys,” a Sperm For Tickets representative said. “They’ll get premium listing on the sex-offender registry, so they can notify their neighbors with a YouTube video instead of going door to door. A really good sex-offender announcement can open a lot of doors if the right people see it. It’s just a matter of holding a screening at a theater that’s within two miles and doesn’t have any children around.

“Aside from the legal issues, there’s a bigger problem with a bunch of guys whipping it out and making sperm donations in the ticket line: What would they put their sperm in? We couldn’t take sperm donations in soda cans they found outside. You can’t really pour sperm out of a soda can. Then we’d end up with enemies at the recycling center.”

http://www.nme.com/news/festival/35078

Amy Winehouse to launch clothing line

Amy Winehouse is planning to produce a line of makeup and clothing, having become known for her style in addition to her music and alleged drug abuse.

To experience Winehouse’s lifestyle, customers will be able to make purchases using stereos.

“This line will give a glimpse of the crack-addict experience, but it will not be designed or made by addicts,” the lead designer said. “That would be a disaster. Crack addicts are known for poor sewing, probably because of the twitching. And they’re always kind of distracted.

“The big problem is that crack addicts make unmarketable clothes because they hold people to unrealistic body standards. We always have to tell them, ‘Not everyone can be a hollowed-out husk of a human.’”

The line’s first fashion accessory will be a press-on coke nail for people who don’t trust strangers’ tables.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23374916