Woman convicted of keeping girl as slave

A Miami woman was sentenced to more than seven years in prison for forcing a Haitian girl to work as a slave for six years in her home.

The court also ordered the girl to learn about doors.

“If you don’t know door theory, you’re basically asking to be kept as a house slave,” the judge said. “Even worse, a house slave who isn’t door-literate might end up specializing in one room. That’s no way to stay competitive in today’s house-slave market.

“Schools don’t teach this, but there are strong links between slavery and doors. In fact, the transatlantic slave trade wouldn’t have happened if the ships had front doors. The Africans would have assumed the doors were a dead end, and they would have turned back and went on with their lives. That’s why the ships had beaded curtains: They’re more inviting.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24723054

Father jailed after daughter fails to get diploma

An Ohio man under a court order to make sure his troubled high-school-dropout daughter receives an equivalency diploma will serve time in jail because she failed.

So will his daughter.

“It’ll work out great,” a jail representative said. “We’re putting the father in the men’s wing of his daughter’s safety jail, the one she applies to just in case she doesn’t get into her first-choice jail. This way, they can bond over meals the way families should, even if the meals involve metal trays and the possibility of seeing a stabbing. The father will be there to check out his daughter’s conjugal dates. And they’ll be the normal pair at the jail’s father-daughter dances. Those usually are kind of weird.

“But that’s if she doesn’t get into her first-choice jail. I think she’ll get in. That jail always takes alumni kids. But her extracurriculars are only OK. She should spend this summer doing crime abroad or doing an internship with a prestigious kingpin. When it comes to jail, the best admission essay is a newspaper clip.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24596580

Formerly 400-pound inmate sues over jail food

An inmate who entered an Arkansas jail weighing more than 400 pounds is suing the county, complaining that he frequently feels hungry and unable to exercise because he isn’t provided enough food.

The man originally sued obesity.

“He said the jail’s food policy violated his constitutional right to back fat," a jail representative said. "I was skeptical at first, but he made a good argument for man-boobs as self-expression. He said he eats the diet required by his religion: He’s a Jigglist, but he was raised Massivist.

“From what he told me, it's a rich tradition. It's a shame that he's having trouble observing his religion’s non-hunger strike. It's for Holy Month, which is year-round.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24350725

Lab tech allegedly tried selling stolen sperm

A laboratory technician faces up to seven years in prison for allegedly trying to sell sperm samples he stole from the sperm bank where he worked.

He has been ordered to replace the stolen samples by cleaning the sperm bank’s magazines.

“If he cleans enough magazines, he’ll run across plenty of sperm samples,” a sperm-bank representative said. “It’s just a matter of doing it before the pages stick together. Once sperm gets attached to a magazine page, it's ruined. No woman wants her baby to be half magazine ink.

“The kid would grow up traumatized. He’d be self-conscious about being the only kid with a backward ‘E’ on his nose. He’d be blacklisted from spelling bees. He would be scarred if the school cafeteria served alphabet soup. It would feel like cannibalism.

“It’s just as bad for an ink kid’s parents. They have to go into stores and ask whether children’s sheets and clothes contain Silly Putty.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24260478

Alleged subway groper faces life in prison

A New York man charged with illegally rubbing against a woman on a subway train may be sentenced to life in prison, having been arrested 53 times, mostly for groping.

For his comfort in prison, inmates planning to rape him would be limited to third base.

“He said he’s OK with being groped if it stops there, so we would keep him away from the inmates’ games of ‘Spin the Bottle,’” a prison official said. “They usually get out of control. I think the problem is the game play itself. They grab one of the smaller guys, place him in the middle of the circle and spin him. As it turns out, it doesn’t matter where he stops spinning. The bottle loses, especially when it’s spun face-down. It works out just like the prison version of Connect Four.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24112173

Man in electric wheelchair robs bank

Police in Palo Alto, Calif., are looking for a man who robbed a bank and made his getaway in an electric wheelchair, but investigators are unsure of whether the man was truly disabled.

Investigators expect to find out at the police lineup.

“We’ll know if this bank robber is actually disabled if he goes to the lineup wall in a belly crawl,” an investigator said. “That’s something criminals don’t do unless they don’t have a choice. Criminals like to conserve their upper-body strength, in case they’re invited to a short-notice jail fight. To show up with less than your best is just rude.

“If this bank robber turns out to actually be disabled, he’d better get a manual wheelchair before he goes to jail. If he keeps his electric wheelchair, he’ll have no excuse for showing up at jail fights with tired arms. But they might cut him some slack if he brings a nice bottle of wine. Most trouble in jail is related to poor etiquette. Those guys are kind of catty.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23990763

Obese relative’s fall may have crushed toddler

Investigators in La Joya, Texas, said a 2-year-old boy who died with a fractured skull might have been accidentally crushed after being fallen on by a morbidly obese, bed-ridden relative.

If charged, the woman would face execution by walking.

“Sure, we could put her down in a traditional way, but this way is more useful,” a prison official said. “We would use the footage for a dual-purpose ‘Scared Straight’ video made to keep kids away from jail and obesity. What would work better than footage of a morbidly obese woman dying in a jail walk? It’s just a matter of getting the video right on the first take.

“Also, it would give her a chance to go out on a high note, as far as physical activity. Death by lethal injection or the chair really isn’t good cardio. Fighting against the restraints works your abs and gets your heart rate up, but it’s not enough to burn fat. It’s like the pilates of execution, but without the infomercials.”

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/03/21/toddler.crushed.ap/index.html

Man hits woman on way to anger-control class

A Minnesota man has pleaded guilty to assault charges for losing his temper and punching a woman in the face on his way to an anger-management class.

After punching the woman, he brought her to the anger-management class for show-and-tell.

“Show-and-tell is a fun little thing we do every week,” the instructor of the anger-management class said. “Each student brings in someone they’ve battered and tells the story of what led to the attack. Then, the beat-up person gives their account, if they’re able to speak. It’s like live theater, but with more concussions.

“We keep pictures of the victims they bring in every week, so we can measure the students’ anger-management progress. Each week, the pictures show the black eyes getting lighter and less swollen, and you see more teeth left and less blood as the students become less and less angry. Nothing beats seeing that picture of them gently choking someone while smiling. It makes a great flipbook.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23421960