Sega Toys creates robotic girlfriend

Sega Toys has created a 15-inch-tall robotic girlfriend that kisses its owner and is being marketed to lonely men.

The robotic girlfriend runs on batteries or defeat.

“To sweeten the deal, we’re throwing in a bonus gift,” a Sega Toys representative said. “Every guy who buys a robotic girlfriend receives a free seven-day suicide watch. If he doesn’t kill himself in that week, our customer-service team will offer tips to make suicide easier.

“To make it easier to go off a window ledge, they’ll tell him to wear an overstuffed backpack. For an effortless hanging, they’ll recommend standing on a chair covered with marbles. It’s our way to say, ‘Thanks for giving up.’"

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25209226

Kenya uses circumcision to fight AIDS

Following the results of a recent study, a new program is offering free circumcisions to help men in Kenya avoid AIDS infection.

A competing program is offering plane tickets.

“The only way to avoid getting AIDS over there is to skip town,” the program director said. “It’s just a matter of booking flights early, so you don’t end up in disease-class. It’s not my first choice, but they really take care of the passengers in disease seating. Their saying is ‘Disease-class costs a little more, but you’ll thank us later — maybe.’

“Passengers in disease-class get a special SkyMall catalog that always provides rush shipping; it makes up for that strict return policy. But the real benefit is how flight attendants cater to disease-class passengers’ special needs. They season disease-class meals with inhibitors, and they serve AZT pops for kids.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24740291

Lab tech allegedly tried selling stolen sperm

A laboratory technician faces up to seven years in prison for allegedly trying to sell sperm samples he stole from the sperm bank where he worked.

He has been ordered to replace the stolen samples by cleaning the sperm bank’s magazines.

“If he cleans enough magazines, he’ll run across plenty of sperm samples,” a sperm-bank representative said. “It’s just a matter of doing it before the pages stick together. Once sperm gets attached to a magazine page, it's ruined. No woman wants her baby to be half magazine ink.

“The kid would grow up traumatized. He’d be self-conscious about being the only kid with a backward ‘E’ on his nose. He’d be blacklisted from spelling bees. He would be scarred if the school cafeteria served alphabet soup. It would feel like cannibalism.

“It’s just as bad for an ink kid’s parents. They have to go into stores and ask whether children’s sheets and clothes contain Silly Putty.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24260478

Overdrinking tied to health problems in seniors

According to a new study, people older than 65 are more likely to experience social trouble, medical problems and falls if they drink excessively.

Researchers said seniors can get the same results by waking up.

“For older people, overdrinking is empowering,” the lead researcher said. “At their age, they’re already falling apart, but heavy drinking makes them feel like they had a say. We all know that non-drinking seniors can have medical problems and falls for free, but you get what you pay for. Heavy drinking is an investment.

“Heavy-drinking seniors have peace of mind from having reliable health problems they can count on. On top of that, they can save money on medical costs because carrying a bottle around helps a doctor spot the problem. And there’s no better time for a senior to fall than when they’re drunk. They might have a hard time getting up at first, but things could turn around after a good blackout."

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23521949

HIV can be passed to babies in pre-chewed food

Scientists reported that the AIDS virus can be passed from an infected mother to her baby if she pre-chews the baby’s food, as sometimes is done in developing countries.

The scientists said babies in developing countries were more likely to get AIDS as a result of time.

“In those parts of the world, AIDS is like Starbucks,” the lead scientist said. “Hang around there a while, and you’ll pick it up. See the sights, maybe do a little shopping, score some HIV. In fact, if you don’t feel like going out, you can have some AIDS delivered. It’s not always easy to figure out how much to tip, but at least you’ll know your HIV is fresh.”

http://www.reuters.com/article/healthNews/idUSN0631284520080206

Major diabetes study cut off after deaths

The National Institutes of Health abruptly ended a diabetes study after 257 patients died after intense therapy to reduce their blood sugar.

Researchers said those patients’ therapy technically was a total success.

"Some patients died, but their blood sugar wasn’t just reduced; it was eliminated," a researcher said. “That really brought down the blood-sugar average.

“To make it up to their families, we’ll pay for the funeral catering, but none of that low-fat and sugar-free stuff. It’s awful. That’s the last thing a grieving family needs, even if they’re diabetic, too. Live a little.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23029191