Kenya uses circumcision to fight AIDS

Following the results of a recent study, a new program is offering free circumcisions to help men in Kenya avoid AIDS infection.

A competing program is offering plane tickets.

“The only way to avoid getting AIDS over there is to skip town,” the program director said. “It’s just a matter of booking flights early, so you don’t end up in disease-class. It’s not my first choice, but they really take care of the passengers in disease seating. Their saying is ‘Disease-class costs a little more, but you’ll thank us later — maybe.’

“Passengers in disease-class get a special SkyMall catalog that always provides rush shipping; it makes up for that strict return policy. But the real benefit is how flight attendants cater to disease-class passengers’ special needs. They season disease-class meals with inhibitors, and they serve AZT pops for kids.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24740291

Woman convicted of keeping girl as slave

A Miami woman was sentenced to more than seven years in prison for forcing a Haitian girl to work as a slave for six years in her home.

The court also ordered the girl to learn about doors.

“If you don’t know door theory, you’re basically asking to be kept as a house slave,” the judge said. “Even worse, a house slave who isn’t door-literate might end up specializing in one room. That’s no way to stay competitive in today’s house-slave market.

“Schools don’t teach this, but there are strong links between slavery and doors. In fact, the transatlantic slave trade wouldn’t have happened if the ships had front doors. The Africans would have assumed the doors were a dead end, and they would have turned back and went on with their lives. That’s why the ships had beaded curtains: They’re more inviting.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24723054

Video game made for play at urinals

Two Belgian beer fans have launched “Place to Pee,” a video game played at urinals by two men who ski down slopes or kill aliens by aiming at sensors in the urinal.

The loser replaces the winner’s shoes.

“The game pretty much ends when one guy soaks the other guy’s shoes, so we don’t recommend sandals," one of the game's creators said. "You can’t tip a bathroom attendant enough to wash urine off your toes. They might give you some cologne to spray on your feet, but that only masks the problem. I guess that depends on what evaporates first.

“Also, it can be tricky to find a second player. If you’re trying to get a pickup game going, I’d avoid anything like ‘Wanna play?’ It’s already creepy to skulk around in a public bathroom, but it’s even worse if you’re approaching guys, asking if they want to play, then whipping out money.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24714894

Father jailed after daughter fails to get diploma

An Ohio man under a court order to make sure his troubled high-school-dropout daughter receives an equivalency diploma will serve time in jail because she failed.

So will his daughter.

“It’ll work out great,” a jail representative said. “We’re putting the father in the men’s wing of his daughter’s safety jail, the one she applies to just in case she doesn’t get into her first-choice jail. This way, they can bond over meals the way families should, even if the meals involve metal trays and the possibility of seeing a stabbing. The father will be there to check out his daughter’s conjugal dates. And they’ll be the normal pair at the jail’s father-daughter dances. Those usually are kind of weird.

“But that’s if she doesn’t get into her first-choice jail. I think she’ll get in. That jail always takes alumni kids. But her extracurriculars are only OK. She should spend this summer doing crime abroad or doing an internship with a prestigious kingpin. When it comes to jail, the best admission essay is a newspaper clip.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24596580

Formerly 400-pound inmate sues over jail food

An inmate who entered an Arkansas jail weighing more than 400 pounds is suing the county, complaining that he frequently feels hungry and unable to exercise because he isn’t provided enough food.

The man originally sued obesity.

“He said the jail’s food policy violated his constitutional right to back fat," a jail representative said. "I was skeptical at first, but he made a good argument for man-boobs as self-expression. He said he eats the diet required by his religion: He’s a Jigglist, but he was raised Massivist.

“From what he told me, it's a rich tradition. It's a shame that he's having trouble observing his religion’s non-hunger strike. It's for Holy Month, which is year-round.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24350725

Lab tech allegedly tried selling stolen sperm

A laboratory technician faces up to seven years in prison for allegedly trying to sell sperm samples he stole from the sperm bank where he worked.

He has been ordered to replace the stolen samples by cleaning the sperm bank’s magazines.

“If he cleans enough magazines, he’ll run across plenty of sperm samples,” a sperm-bank representative said. “It’s just a matter of doing it before the pages stick together. Once sperm gets attached to a magazine page, it's ruined. No woman wants her baby to be half magazine ink.

“The kid would grow up traumatized. He’d be self-conscious about being the only kid with a backward ‘E’ on his nose. He’d be blacklisted from spelling bees. He would be scarred if the school cafeteria served alphabet soup. It would feel like cannibalism.

“It’s just as bad for an ink kid’s parents. They have to go into stores and ask whether children’s sheets and clothes contain Silly Putty.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24260478

Alleged subway groper faces life in prison

A New York man charged with illegally rubbing against a woman on a subway train may be sentenced to life in prison, having been arrested 53 times, mostly for groping.

For his comfort in prison, inmates planning to rape him would be limited to third base.

“He said he’s OK with being groped if it stops there, so we would keep him away from the inmates’ games of ‘Spin the Bottle,’” a prison official said. “They usually get out of control. I think the problem is the game play itself. They grab one of the smaller guys, place him in the middle of the circle and spin him. As it turns out, it doesn’t matter where he stops spinning. The bottle loses, especially when it’s spun face-down. It works out just like the prison version of Connect Four.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24112173