Internet sex auction leads to paternity battle

A Web site has been ordered to reveal the real names of the winners of an online sex auction, so the woman who held the auction can find out which man is her baby’s father.

Regardless of who the father is, the baby's upbringing will involve syphilis.

“I want my baby to be in touch with his STD heritage,” the woman said. “I’m going to teach him traditional STD songs and dances. I’m learning to make traditional STD baby food, which is a challenge because I’ve never cooked with penicillin. And there might be some STD schools in a few years, with any luck. I’d cross my fingers, but it hurts my lesions.

“I want my child to have solid STD roots. I didn't have that as a kid because my parents didn't meet in an online sex auction.”

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSL1355570120080213

Oprah Store opens in Chicago

The Oprah Store has opened in Chicago, selling items featuring Oprah’s sayings, passions and favorite gurus, as well as Oprah-branded clothes, accessories and household products.

The items can be customized to fit any empty life.

“For example, our tailor can tighten an Oprah T-shirt to help a customer minimize her soul’s screams,” the manager explained. “The Oprah sunglasses can be given an extra-dark tint that blocks introspection. But if some self-evaluation leaks in, the Oprah belts can be given extra loops for a better fit during hanging or heroin use. For convenience, our cafe serves Oprah-brand heroin, which is fat-free.

"But the Oprah Store is about more than just shopping. To promote fitness, we have an interactive exhibit where customers can jog or power-walk to follow an Oprah effigy into a fire. It's for total weight loss."

http://www.suntimes.com/news/metro/783714,CST-NWS-oprah08.article

HIV can be passed to babies in pre-chewed food

Scientists reported that the AIDS virus can be passed from an infected mother to her baby if she pre-chews the baby’s food, as sometimes is done in developing countries.

The scientists said babies in developing countries were more likely to get AIDS as a result of time.

“In those parts of the world, AIDS is like Starbucks,” the lead scientist said. “Hang around there a while, and you’ll pick it up. See the sights, maybe do a little shopping, score some HIV. In fact, if you don’t feel like going out, you can have some AIDS delivered. It’s not always easy to figure out how much to tip, but at least you’ll know your HIV is fresh.”

http://www.reuters.com/article/healthNews/idUSN0631284520080206

Major diabetes study cut off after deaths

The National Institutes of Health abruptly ended a diabetes study after 257 patients died after intense therapy to reduce their blood sugar.

Researchers said those patients’ therapy technically was a total success.

"Some patients died, but their blood sugar wasn’t just reduced; it was eliminated," a researcher said. “That really brought down the blood-sugar average.

“To make it up to their families, we’ll pay for the funeral catering, but none of that low-fat and sugar-free stuff. It’s awful. That’s the last thing a grieving family needs, even if they’re diabetic, too. Live a little.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23029191

Study of baby shampoo raises chemical concerns

According to a new study, chemicals in baby shampoos, lotions and powders may expose babies to reproductive problems.

Researchers said the babies’ main reproductive problem would be trying to have sex.

“The chemicals in the shampoo didn’t help, but the babies never really got a grasp on the sex part of reproduction,” a researcher said. “Maybe it’s because they couldn’t control their hands very well and some of them couldn’t hold their own heads up. They messed up the sheets and everything, but it was totally platonic. If these babies plan to have kids, they need to get this sex thing down before the shampoo chemicals kick in.”

The researchers were arrested for filming the study.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22979800

Travel agency to offer nudist flight

A German travel agency will start taking bookings Friday for a nudist day trip in which the 55 passengers will be nude throughout the flight.

"We have an excellent plan in place," an airline representative said. "We installed extended seat-back trays, which passengers will be encouraged to keep down at all times. If the plane goes down, we will pass around a can of Lysol, so passengers can prepare to use their seat cushions as flotation devices."

The airline said each row of the plane will have only one seat, so passengers won't have to cross over each other to get out of their seats. Additionally, the airline will offer a discount to passengers sitting in emergency-exit rows, since the naked escape procedure could get "a little weird."

"Children won't have to fly naked, but we won't provide trauma counseling," the airline representative said. "Crew members will be allowed to call in sick mid-flight, but those who hang in there will receive free shots of pepper spray."

Men flying naked will not be allowed to sleep.

The airline reportedly is considering burning the plane afterward.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22895813

Man to spend night homeless after charity theft

A judge has ordered a Salvation Army worker who stole a kettle containing holiday donations to spend the night homeless.

The Salvation Army worker was ordered to relocate his usual homelessness.

“He had gotten too comfortable in his native skid row, so he couldn’t get any real punishment there,” the judge said. “Being connected defeats the purpose of being homeless. So we blindfolded him and took him to a new skid row that just opened, spun him around a few times and turned him loose.

“We also banned him from attending vagrant networking functions. That’s where vagrants, hobos, bums and winos get together to make housing and employment deals and discuss new products and services. They have a really good union.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22840216