Lab releases do-it-yourself paternity test

Sorenson Genomics has released a kit that allows people to conduct paternity tests at home by swabbing the cheeks of the child and the presumed father.

The paternity test works best on men who don’t screen their calls.

“It really helps the test if you can get the guy to show up,” a lab spokesman said. “We considered making the test’s first step to ‘bomb the man with phone calls and surprise visits,’ but society still hasn’t embraced stalking.

“Instead, we added some accessories for the paternity-test kit. For example, we have an arson set that will force the man out of his house and into your life. After he watches his life go up in flames, he’ll find some time for you. One man’s arson is another man’s family planning.”

Link: MyFoxAtlanta.com

Internet sex auction leads to paternity battle

A Web site has been ordered to reveal the real names of the winners of an online sex auction, so the woman who held the auction can find out which man is her baby’s father.

Regardless of who the father is, the baby's upbringing will involve syphilis.

“I want my baby to be in touch with his STD heritage,” the woman said. “I’m going to teach him traditional STD songs and dances. I’m learning to make traditional STD baby food, which is a challenge because I’ve never cooked with penicillin. And there might be some STD schools in a few years, with any luck. I’d cross my fingers, but it hurts my lesions.

“I want my child to have solid STD roots. I didn't have that as a kid because my parents didn't meet in an online sex auction.”

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSL1355570120080213