Sports bra saves hiker trapped in Alps

An American hiker stranded in the Bavarian Alps was rescued after getting lumberjacks’ attention by signaling them using her sports bra.

The men rescued her from a ledge after asking her to jump — in place.

“Actually, after the sports bra was off, we waited for an even bigger signal,” one of the rescuers said. “Nothing says ‘Please help me get off this mountain’ like some T&A. An extended flash would’ve been a nice start. And that ledge had enough space for her to do a decent floor show.

“We didn’t have any $1 bills, but we were willing to save her life. That’s worth a little skin — or at least some free hot wings.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25333829

Sega Toys creates robotic girlfriend

Sega Toys has created a 15-inch-tall robotic girlfriend that kisses its owner and is being marketed to lonely men.

The robotic girlfriend runs on batteries or defeat.

“To sweeten the deal, we’re throwing in a bonus gift,” a Sega Toys representative said. “Every guy who buys a robotic girlfriend receives a free seven-day suicide watch. If he doesn’t kill himself in that week, our customer-service team will offer tips to make suicide easier.

“To make it easier to go off a window ledge, they’ll tell him to wear an overstuffed backpack. For an effortless hanging, they’ll recommend standing on a chair covered with marbles. It’s our way to say, ‘Thanks for giving up.’"

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25209226

Kenya uses circumcision to fight AIDS

Following the results of a recent study, a new program is offering free circumcisions to help men in Kenya avoid AIDS infection.

A competing program is offering plane tickets.

“The only way to avoid getting AIDS over there is to skip town,” the program director said. “It’s just a matter of booking flights early, so you don’t end up in disease-class. It’s not my first choice, but they really take care of the passengers in disease seating. Their saying is ‘Disease-class costs a little more, but you’ll thank us later — maybe.’

“Passengers in disease-class get a special SkyMall catalog that always provides rush shipping; it makes up for that strict return policy. But the real benefit is how flight attendants cater to disease-class passengers’ special needs. They season disease-class meals with inhibitors, and they serve AZT pops for kids.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24740291

Woman convicted of keeping girl as slave

A Miami woman was sentenced to more than seven years in prison for forcing a Haitian girl to work as a slave for six years in her home.

The court also ordered the girl to learn about doors.

“If you don’t know door theory, you’re basically asking to be kept as a house slave,” the judge said. “Even worse, a house slave who isn’t door-literate might end up specializing in one room. That’s no way to stay competitive in today’s house-slave market.

“Schools don’t teach this, but there are strong links between slavery and doors. In fact, the transatlantic slave trade wouldn’t have happened if the ships had front doors. The Africans would have assumed the doors were a dead end, and they would have turned back and went on with their lives. That’s why the ships had beaded curtains: They’re more inviting.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24723054

Video game made for play at urinals

Two Belgian beer fans have launched “Place to Pee,” a video game played at urinals by two men who ski down slopes or kill aliens by aiming at sensors in the urinal.

The loser replaces the winner’s shoes.

“The game pretty much ends when one guy soaks the other guy’s shoes, so we don’t recommend sandals," one of the game's creators said. "You can’t tip a bathroom attendant enough to wash urine off your toes. They might give you some cologne to spray on your feet, but that only masks the problem. I guess that depends on what evaporates first.

“Also, it can be tricky to find a second player. If you’re trying to get a pickup game going, I’d avoid anything like ‘Wanna play?’ It’s already creepy to skulk around in a public bathroom, but it’s even worse if you’re approaching guys, asking if they want to play, then whipping out money.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24714894

Father jailed after daughter fails to get diploma

An Ohio man under a court order to make sure his troubled high-school-dropout daughter receives an equivalency diploma will serve time in jail because she failed.

So will his daughter.

“It’ll work out great,” a jail representative said. “We’re putting the father in the men’s wing of his daughter’s safety jail, the one she applies to just in case she doesn’t get into her first-choice jail. This way, they can bond over meals the way families should, even if the meals involve metal trays and the possibility of seeing a stabbing. The father will be there to check out his daughter’s conjugal dates. And they’ll be the normal pair at the jail’s father-daughter dances. Those usually are kind of weird.

“But that’s if she doesn’t get into her first-choice jail. I think she’ll get in. That jail always takes alumni kids. But her extracurriculars are only OK. She should spend this summer doing crime abroad or doing an internship with a prestigious kingpin. When it comes to jail, the best admission essay is a newspaper clip.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24596580

Formerly 400-pound inmate sues over jail food

An inmate who entered an Arkansas jail weighing more than 400 pounds is suing the county, complaining that he frequently feels hungry and unable to exercise because he isn’t provided enough food.

The man originally sued obesity.

“He said the jail’s food policy violated his constitutional right to back fat," a jail representative said. "I was skeptical at first, but he made a good argument for man-boobs as self-expression. He said he eats the diet required by his religion: He’s a Jigglist, but he was raised Massivist.

“From what he told me, it's a rich tradition. It's a shame that he's having trouble observing his religion’s non-hunger strike. It's for Holy Month, which is year-round.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24350725

Lab tech allegedly tried selling stolen sperm

A laboratory technician faces up to seven years in prison for allegedly trying to sell sperm samples he stole from the sperm bank where he worked.

He has been ordered to replace the stolen samples by cleaning the sperm bank’s magazines.

“If he cleans enough magazines, he’ll run across plenty of sperm samples,” a sperm-bank representative said. “It’s just a matter of doing it before the pages stick together. Once sperm gets attached to a magazine page, it's ruined. No woman wants her baby to be half magazine ink.

“The kid would grow up traumatized. He’d be self-conscious about being the only kid with a backward ‘E’ on his nose. He’d be blacklisted from spelling bees. He would be scarred if the school cafeteria served alphabet soup. It would feel like cannibalism.

“It’s just as bad for an ink kid’s parents. They have to go into stores and ask whether children’s sheets and clothes contain Silly Putty.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24260478

Alleged subway groper faces life in prison

A New York man charged with illegally rubbing against a woman on a subway train may be sentenced to life in prison, having been arrested 53 times, mostly for groping.

For his comfort in prison, inmates planning to rape him would be limited to third base.

“He said he’s OK with being groped if it stops there, so we would keep him away from the inmates’ games of ‘Spin the Bottle,’” a prison official said. “They usually get out of control. I think the problem is the game play itself. They grab one of the smaller guys, place him in the middle of the circle and spin him. As it turns out, it doesn’t matter where he stops spinning. The bottle loses, especially when it’s spun face-down. It works out just like the prison version of Connect Four.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24112173

Man in electric wheelchair robs bank

Police in Palo Alto, Calif., are looking for a man who robbed a bank and made his getaway in an electric wheelchair, but investigators are unsure of whether the man was truly disabled.

Investigators expect to find out at the police lineup.

“We’ll know if this bank robber is actually disabled if he goes to the lineup wall in a belly crawl,” an investigator said. “That’s something criminals don’t do unless they don’t have a choice. Criminals like to conserve their upper-body strength, in case they’re invited to a short-notice jail fight. To show up with less than your best is just rude.

“If this bank robber turns out to actually be disabled, he’d better get a manual wheelchair before he goes to jail. If he keeps his electric wheelchair, he’ll have no excuse for showing up at jail fights with tired arms. But they might cut him some slack if he brings a nice bottle of wine. Most trouble in jail is related to poor etiquette. Those guys are kind of catty.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23990763

Obese relative’s fall may have crushed toddler

Investigators in La Joya, Texas, said a 2-year-old boy who died with a fractured skull might have been accidentally crushed after being fallen on by a morbidly obese, bed-ridden relative.

If charged, the woman would face execution by walking.

“Sure, we could put her down in a traditional way, but this way is more useful,” a prison official said. “We would use the footage for a dual-purpose ‘Scared Straight’ video made to keep kids away from jail and obesity. What would work better than footage of a morbidly obese woman dying in a jail walk? It’s just a matter of getting the video right on the first take.

“Also, it would give her a chance to go out on a high note, as far as physical activity. Death by lethal injection or the chair really isn’t good cardio. Fighting against the restraints works your abs and gets your heart rate up, but it’s not enough to burn fat. It’s like the pilates of execution, but without the infomercials.”

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/03/21/toddler.crushed.ap/index.html

Report: Zoo unprepared at time of tiger attack

According to a new report, although the San Francisco Zoo’s staff reacted well when a tiger fatally attacked a man in December, the zoo was unprepared for a tiger attack.

Inspectors said the exception was the tiger.

“You don’t just rip into a guy like that without some preparation,” an inspector said. “This tiger went to the hotel by the airport and took those workshops on how to save his best rage and not spend it on impulse attacks. When he got back to the zoo, he made a list of attack-related wants and needs, and he made sure not to maul somebody until he really needed to. That’s discipline.

“The tiger should have more than enough fury to cover his retirement. After so many years of being frugal with his rage, he should get to splurge once in a while. He should travel and occasionally maul the guy in the window seat who won’t stop talking to him. A retired tiger shouldn’t feel guilty about spending his anger. You can’t take it with you. And he’s worth it.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23701158

Sperm donors receive tickets to music festivals

Under the Sperm For Tickets initiative, men who make sperm donations in Europe will receive free tickets to any European music festival.

Men who produce sperm donations while in the ticket line will receive their tickets after they post bail.

“The police have a pretty nice setup prepared for these guys,” a Sperm For Tickets representative said. “They’ll get premium listing on the sex-offender registry, so they can notify their neighbors with a YouTube video instead of going door to door. A really good sex-offender announcement can open a lot of doors if the right people see it. It’s just a matter of holding a screening at a theater that’s within two miles and doesn’t have any children around.

“Aside from the legal issues, there’s a bigger problem with a bunch of guys whipping it out and making sperm donations in the ticket line: What would they put their sperm in? We couldn’t take sperm donations in soda cans they found outside. You can’t really pour sperm out of a soda can. Then we’d end up with enemies at the recycling center.”

http://www.nme.com/news/festival/35078

Overdrinking tied to health problems in seniors

According to a new study, people older than 65 are more likely to experience social trouble, medical problems and falls if they drink excessively.

Researchers said seniors can get the same results by waking up.

“For older people, overdrinking is empowering,” the lead researcher said. “At their age, they’re already falling apart, but heavy drinking makes them feel like they had a say. We all know that non-drinking seniors can have medical problems and falls for free, but you get what you pay for. Heavy drinking is an investment.

“Heavy-drinking seniors have peace of mind from having reliable health problems they can count on. On top of that, they can save money on medical costs because carrying a bottle around helps a doctor spot the problem. And there’s no better time for a senior to fall than when they’re drunk. They might have a hard time getting up at first, but things could turn around after a good blackout."

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23521949

Man hits woman on way to anger-control class

A Minnesota man has pleaded guilty to assault charges for losing his temper and punching a woman in the face on his way to an anger-management class.

After punching the woman, he brought her to the anger-management class for show-and-tell.

“Show-and-tell is a fun little thing we do every week,” the instructor of the anger-management class said. “Each student brings in someone they’ve battered and tells the story of what led to the attack. Then, the beat-up person gives their account, if they’re able to speak. It’s like live theater, but with more concussions.

“We keep pictures of the victims they bring in every week, so we can measure the students’ anger-management progress. Each week, the pictures show the black eyes getting lighter and less swollen, and you see more teeth left and less blood as the students become less and less angry. Nothing beats seeing that picture of them gently choking someone while smiling. It makes a great flipbook.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23421960

Amy Winehouse to launch clothing line

Amy Winehouse is planning to produce a line of makeup and clothing, having become known for her style in addition to her music and alleged drug abuse.

To experience Winehouse’s lifestyle, customers will be able to make purchases using stereos.

“This line will give a glimpse of the crack-addict experience, but it will not be designed or made by addicts,” the lead designer said. “That would be a disaster. Crack addicts are known for poor sewing, probably because of the twitching. And they’re always kind of distracted.

“The big problem is that crack addicts make unmarketable clothes because they hold people to unrealistic body standards. We always have to tell them, ‘Not everyone can be a hollowed-out husk of a human.’”

The line’s first fashion accessory will be a press-on coke nail for people who don’t trust strangers’ tables.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23374916

Lab releases do-it-yourself paternity test

Sorenson Genomics has released a kit that allows people to conduct paternity tests at home by swabbing the cheeks of the child and the presumed father.

The paternity test works best on men who don’t screen their calls.

“It really helps the test if you can get the guy to show up,” a lab spokesman said. “We considered making the test’s first step to ‘bomb the man with phone calls and surprise visits,’ but society still hasn’t embraced stalking.

“Instead, we added some accessories for the paternity-test kit. For example, we have an arson set that will force the man out of his house and into your life. After he watches his life go up in flames, he’ll find some time for you. One man’s arson is another man’s family planning.”

Link: MyFoxAtlanta.com

Con artists use fake $100 to rip off Girl Scouts

A pair of con artists in Colorado reportedly ripped off a Girl Scout group by using fake money to buy $100 worth of cookies.

Police said the con artists have been sentenced to diabetes.

“It might seem like they’re getting off easy with just diabetes, but it’ll be easier to catch them after they’ve had their feet amputated,” a police spokesman said. “I’ve never seen a footless person who was a strong runner. They have a hard time building momentum. Maybe it’s because they have problems with form.

“And they’ll never find a getaway car with stump-friendly pedals. They could try to attach some cup holders down there, but they’d have to slim down so their stumps would fit.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23244309

Woman dies after falling from U.N. building

A woman who worked at the United Nations’ Secretariat Building died Sunday after falling or jumping from the 19th floor.

The official cause of death is under investigation, but police suspect gravity.

“You hate to see it happen,” a police spokesman said. “Gravity was basically good until it got mixed up with the wrong crowd: pavement and heights. Sure, gravity is cute when it’s young, dropping apples on Isaac Newton’s head. But it’s not so cute when it grows up and starts throwing people from buildings. I blame the parents.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23212737

Internet sex auction leads to paternity battle

A Web site has been ordered to reveal the real names of the winners of an online sex auction, so the woman who held the auction can find out which man is her baby’s father.

Regardless of who the father is, the baby's upbringing will involve syphilis.

“I want my baby to be in touch with his STD heritage,” the woman said. “I’m going to teach him traditional STD songs and dances. I’m learning to make traditional STD baby food, which is a challenge because I’ve never cooked with penicillin. And there might be some STD schools in a few years, with any luck. I’d cross my fingers, but it hurts my lesions.

“I want my child to have solid STD roots. I didn't have that as a kid because my parents didn't meet in an online sex auction.”

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSL1355570120080213

Oprah Store opens in Chicago

The Oprah Store has opened in Chicago, selling items featuring Oprah’s sayings, passions and favorite gurus, as well as Oprah-branded clothes, accessories and household products.

The items can be customized to fit any empty life.

“For example, our tailor can tighten an Oprah T-shirt to help a customer minimize her soul’s screams,” the manager explained. “The Oprah sunglasses can be given an extra-dark tint that blocks introspection. But if some self-evaluation leaks in, the Oprah belts can be given extra loops for a better fit during hanging or heroin use. For convenience, our cafe serves Oprah-brand heroin, which is fat-free.

"But the Oprah Store is about more than just shopping. To promote fitness, we have an interactive exhibit where customers can jog or power-walk to follow an Oprah effigy into a fire. It's for total weight loss."

http://www.suntimes.com/news/metro/783714,CST-NWS-oprah08.article

HIV can be passed to babies in pre-chewed food

Scientists reported that the AIDS virus can be passed from an infected mother to her baby if she pre-chews the baby’s food, as sometimes is done in developing countries.

The scientists said babies in developing countries were more likely to get AIDS as a result of time.

“In those parts of the world, AIDS is like Starbucks,” the lead scientist said. “Hang around there a while, and you’ll pick it up. See the sights, maybe do a little shopping, score some HIV. In fact, if you don’t feel like going out, you can have some AIDS delivered. It’s not always easy to figure out how much to tip, but at least you’ll know your HIV is fresh.”

http://www.reuters.com/article/healthNews/idUSN0631284520080206

Major diabetes study cut off after deaths

The National Institutes of Health abruptly ended a diabetes study after 257 patients died after intense therapy to reduce their blood sugar.

Researchers said those patients’ therapy technically was a total success.

"Some patients died, but their blood sugar wasn’t just reduced; it was eliminated," a researcher said. “That really brought down the blood-sugar average.

“To make it up to their families, we’ll pay for the funeral catering, but none of that low-fat and sugar-free stuff. It’s awful. That’s the last thing a grieving family needs, even if they’re diabetic, too. Live a little.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23029191

Study of baby shampoo raises chemical concerns

According to a new study, chemicals in baby shampoos, lotions and powders may expose babies to reproductive problems.

Researchers said the babies’ main reproductive problem would be trying to have sex.

“The chemicals in the shampoo didn’t help, but the babies never really got a grasp on the sex part of reproduction,” a researcher said. “Maybe it’s because they couldn’t control their hands very well and some of them couldn’t hold their own heads up. They messed up the sheets and everything, but it was totally platonic. If these babies plan to have kids, they need to get this sex thing down before the shampoo chemicals kick in.”

The researchers were arrested for filming the study.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22979800

Travel agency to offer nudist flight

A German travel agency will start taking bookings Friday for a nudist day trip in which the 55 passengers will be nude throughout the flight.

"We have an excellent plan in place," an airline representative said. "We installed extended seat-back trays, which passengers will be encouraged to keep down at all times. If the plane goes down, we will pass around a can of Lysol, so passengers can prepare to use their seat cushions as flotation devices."

The airline said each row of the plane will have only one seat, so passengers won't have to cross over each other to get out of their seats. Additionally, the airline will offer a discount to passengers sitting in emergency-exit rows, since the naked escape procedure could get "a little weird."

"Children won't have to fly naked, but we won't provide trauma counseling," the airline representative said. "Crew members will be allowed to call in sick mid-flight, but those who hang in there will receive free shots of pepper spray."

Men flying naked will not be allowed to sleep.

The airline reportedly is considering burning the plane afterward.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22895813

Man to spend night homeless after charity theft

A judge has ordered a Salvation Army worker who stole a kettle containing holiday donations to spend the night homeless.

The Salvation Army worker was ordered to relocate his usual homelessness.

“He had gotten too comfortable in his native skid row, so he couldn’t get any real punishment there,” the judge said. “Being connected defeats the purpose of being homeless. So we blindfolded him and took him to a new skid row that just opened, spun him around a few times and turned him loose.

“We also banned him from attending vagrant networking functions. That’s where vagrants, hobos, bums and winos get together to make housing and employment deals and discuss new products and services. They have a really good union.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22840216

Men take corpse to store to cash check

Two men were arrested on fraud charges after wheeling a dead man through the streets in an office chair and trying to cash his Social Security check at a check-cashing store.

The men said they presented the dead body as a form of identification.

“Everything we did was within the rules of the store,” one man said. “The cashier said asked for two forms of ID, so we brought the guy’s driver’s license and his body. No one ever said cashing a check requires vital signs.”

His partner described what they did as ventriloquism with a purpose.

“We did most of it from below the counter,” he said. “I held the body up against the counter, and my friend took care of all the motion, stuff like pushing the dead guy’s driver’s license across the counter with his hand. I did all of the dead guy’s talking, like explaining why he left one of his feet at the door.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22574676

Religious man cuts off hand, microwaves it

An Idaho man reportedly used a circular saw to cut off one hand and cooked it in the microwave because he believed his hand bore the biblical "mark of the beast."

The mark was later removed from the microwave with a sponge.

"Wiping my hand crumbs out of the microwave was easy, but it took a while to get the mark of the beast off the rotating plate," the man said. "Modern-day cleansers don't seem to work that well on biblical marks, especially with only one arm's worth of elbow grease to put into it.

"This sort of thing worked out better back in biblical days. Back then, when a hand was evil, they could just cut it off and throw it into a fire. I can't do that because having a fire in my apartment would violate my lease, even if it's for biblical reasons. My landlord's crazy, right?"

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22573021

Man mauled after trying to ride pet buffalo

An Arizona man suffered non-life threatening injuries when he was mauled after trying to ride his pet buffalo.

Paramedics treated the buffalo owner after arriving in a time machine.

“When we got the call, we knew we had to pick him up on the frontier because modern people just don’t have buffaloes,” the lead paramedic said. “I guess buffaloes aren’t more popular as pets because people don’t like being mauled anymore. Something about a hoof on a guy’s throat puts a strain on the modern pet-owner relationship.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22464508

Man kept year's worth of trash in his apartment

To make a statement about the environment, a California man saved every piece of trash he generated over the past year and kept it in his apartment.

After a year of living surrounded by trash, he made a second statement seeking organ donors.

“When he came in, he basically was a disease buffet,” said a hospital representative. “It seems that his apartment needs shots. He would have been better off living in a real dump, where it’s ventilated and the rats take on some of the disease load.”

To raise money for his hospital bill, the man plans to have his apartment cleaned enough to be rented as a meth lab.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22455157