An American hiker stranded in the Bavarian Alps was rescued after getting lumberjacks’ attention by signaling them using her sports bra.
The men rescued her from a ledge after asking her to jump — in place.
“Actually, after the sports bra was off, we waited for an even bigger signal,” one of the rescuers said. “Nothing says ‘Please help me get off this mountain’ like some T&A. An extended flash would’ve been a nice start. And that ledge had enough space for her to do a decent floor show.
“We didn’t have any $1 bills, but we were willing to save her life. That’s worth a little skin — or at least some free hot wings.”
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25333829
Friday, June 27, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Sega Toys creates robotic girlfriend
Sega Toys has created a 15-inch-tall robotic girlfriend that kisses its owner and is being marketed to lonely men.
“To sweeten the deal, we’re throwing in a bonus gift,” a Sega Toys representative said. “Every guy who buys a robotic girlfriend receives a free seven-day suicide watch. If he doesn’t kill himself in that week, our customer-service team will offer tips to make suicide easier.
“To make it easier to go off a window ledge, they’ll tell him to wear an overstuffed backpack. For an effortless hanging, they’ll recommend standing on a chair covered with marbles. It’s our way to say, ‘Thanks for giving up.’"
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Kenya uses circumcision to fight AIDS
Following the results of a recent study, a new program is offering free circumcisions to help men in Kenya avoid AIDS infection.
A competing program is offering plane tickets.
“The only way to avoid getting AIDS over there is to skip town,” the program director said. “It’s just a matter of booking flights early, so you don’t end up in disease-class. It’s not my first choice, but they really take care of the passengers in disease seating. Their saying is ‘Disease-class costs a little more, but you’ll thank us later — maybe.’
“Passengers in disease-class get a special SkyMall catalog that always provides rush shipping; it makes up for that strict return policy. But the real benefit is how flight attendants cater to disease-class passengers’ special needs. They season disease-class meals with inhibitors, and they serve AZT pops for kids.”
Friday, May 23, 2008
Woman convicted of keeping girl as slave
A Miami woman was sentenced to more than seven years in prison for forcing a Haitian girl to work as a slave for six years in her home.
The court also ordered the girl to learn about doors.
“If you don’t know door theory, you’re basically asking to be kept as a house slave,” the judge said. “Even worse, a house slave who isn’t door-literate might end up specializing in one room. That’s no way to stay competitive in today’s house-slave market.
“Schools don’t teach this, but there are strong links between slavery and doors. In fact, the transatlantic slave trade wouldn’t have happened if the ships had front doors. The Africans would have assumed the doors were a dead end, and they would have turned back and went on with their lives. That’s why the ships had beaded curtains: They’re more inviting.”
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Video game made for play at urinals
Two Belgian beer fans have launched “Place to Pee,” a video game played at urinals by two men who ski down slopes or kill aliens by aiming at sensors in the urinal.
The loser replaces the winner’s shoes.
“The game pretty much ends when one guy soaks the other guy’s shoes, so we don’t recommend sandals," one of the game's creators said. "You can’t tip a bathroom attendant enough to wash urine off your toes. They might give you some cologne to spray on your feet, but that only masks the problem. I guess that depends on what evaporates first.
“Also, it can be tricky to find a second player. If you’re trying to get a pickup game going, I’d avoid anything like ‘Wanna play?’ It’s already creepy to skulk around in a public bathroom, but it’s even worse if you’re approaching guys, asking if they want to play, then whipping out money.”
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Father jailed after daughter fails to get diploma
An Ohio man under a court order to make sure his troubled high-school-dropout daughter receives an equivalency diploma will serve time in jail because she failed.
So will his daughter.
“It’ll work out great,” a jail representative said. “We’re putting the father in the men’s wing of his daughter’s safety jail, the one she applies to just in case she doesn’t get into her first-choice jail. This way, they can bond over meals the way families should, even if the meals involve metal trays and the possibility of seeing a stabbing. The father will be there to check out his daughter’s conjugal dates. And they’ll be the normal pair at the jail’s father-daughter dances. Those usually are kind of weird.
“But that’s if she doesn’t get into her first-choice jail. I think she’ll get in. That jail always takes alumni kids. But her extracurriculars are only OK. She should spend this summer doing crime abroad or doing an internship with a prestigious kingpin. When it comes to jail, the best admission essay is a newspaper clip.”
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Formerly 400-pound inmate sues over jail food
An inmate who entered an Arkansas jail weighing more than 400 pounds is suing the county, complaining that he frequently feels hungry and unable to exercise because he isn’t provided enough food.
The man originally sued obesity.
“He said the jail’s food policy violated his constitutional right to back fat," a jail representative said. "I was skeptical at first, but he made a good argument for man-boobs as self-expression. He said he eats the diet required by his religion: He’s a Jigglist, but he was raised Massivist.
“From what he told me, it's a rich tradition. It's a shame that he's having trouble observing his religion’s non-hunger strike. It's for Holy Month, which is year-round.”
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