Travel agency to offer nudist flight

A German travel agency will start taking bookings Friday for a nudist day trip in which the 55 passengers will be nude throughout the flight.

"We have an excellent plan in place," an airline representative said. "We installed extended seat-back trays, which passengers will be encouraged to keep down at all times. If the plane goes down, we will pass around a can of Lysol, so passengers can prepare to use their seat cushions as flotation devices."

The airline said each row of the plane will have only one seat, so passengers won't have to cross over each other to get out of their seats. Additionally, the airline will offer a discount to passengers sitting in emergency-exit rows, since the naked escape procedure could get "a little weird."

"Children won't have to fly naked, but we won't provide trauma counseling," the airline representative said. "Crew members will be allowed to call in sick mid-flight, but those who hang in there will receive free shots of pepper spray."

Men flying naked will not be allowed to sleep.

The airline reportedly is considering burning the plane afterward.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22895813

Man to spend night homeless after charity theft

A judge has ordered a Salvation Army worker who stole a kettle containing holiday donations to spend the night homeless.

The Salvation Army worker was ordered to relocate his usual homelessness.

“He had gotten too comfortable in his native skid row, so he couldn’t get any real punishment there,” the judge said. “Being connected defeats the purpose of being homeless. So we blindfolded him and took him to a new skid row that just opened, spun him around a few times and turned him loose.

“We also banned him from attending vagrant networking functions. That’s where vagrants, hobos, bums and winos get together to make housing and employment deals and discuss new products and services. They have a really good union.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22840216

Men take corpse to store to cash check

Two men were arrested on fraud charges after wheeling a dead man through the streets in an office chair and trying to cash his Social Security check at a check-cashing store.

The men said they presented the dead body as a form of identification.

“Everything we did was within the rules of the store,” one man said. “The cashier said asked for two forms of ID, so we brought the guy’s driver’s license and his body. No one ever said cashing a check requires vital signs.”

His partner described what they did as ventriloquism with a purpose.

“We did most of it from below the counter,” he said. “I held the body up against the counter, and my friend took care of all the motion, stuff like pushing the dead guy’s driver’s license across the counter with his hand. I did all of the dead guy’s talking, like explaining why he left one of his feet at the door.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22574676

Religious man cuts off hand, microwaves it

An Idaho man reportedly used a circular saw to cut off one hand and cooked it in the microwave because he believed his hand bore the biblical "mark of the beast."

The mark was later removed from the microwave with a sponge.

"Wiping my hand crumbs out of the microwave was easy, but it took a while to get the mark of the beast off the rotating plate," the man said. "Modern-day cleansers don't seem to work that well on biblical marks, especially with only one arm's worth of elbow grease to put into it.

"This sort of thing worked out better back in biblical days. Back then, when a hand was evil, they could just cut it off and throw it into a fire. I can't do that because having a fire in my apartment would violate my lease, even if it's for biblical reasons. My landlord's crazy, right?"

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22573021

Man mauled after trying to ride pet buffalo

An Arizona man suffered non-life threatening injuries when he was mauled after trying to ride his pet buffalo.

Paramedics treated the buffalo owner after arriving in a time machine.

“When we got the call, we knew we had to pick him up on the frontier because modern people just don’t have buffaloes,” the lead paramedic said. “I guess buffaloes aren’t more popular as pets because people don’t like being mauled anymore. Something about a hoof on a guy’s throat puts a strain on the modern pet-owner relationship.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22464508

Man kept year's worth of trash in his apartment

To make a statement about the environment, a California man saved every piece of trash he generated over the past year and kept it in his apartment.

After a year of living surrounded by trash, he made a second statement seeking organ donors.

“When he came in, he basically was a disease buffet,” said a hospital representative. “It seems that his apartment needs shots. He would have been better off living in a real dump, where it’s ventilated and the rats take on some of the disease load.”

To raise money for his hospital bill, the man plans to have his apartment cleaned enough to be rented as a meth lab.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22455157

N.J. law bans sex offenders from the Internet

Under a law enacted Thursday in New Jersey, convicted sex offenders who used the Internet to help them commit their crimes will be banned from using the Internet.

Sex offenders have called the new law a blessing in disguise.

"This isn't all bad," said a convicted child molester from Newark. "So I can't go online to meet hot kids anymore. This gives me a reason to finally check out some of the playgrounds and parks I've been hearing so much about. They're near my house, so I can walk and get some exercise. That's great, since I pick up kids better when I'm confident about my body. And not having Internet access at home means one less bill for me to pay, so I can spend that money on better candy and toys, or 'bait,' as my parole officer calls it.

"Even better, this gives me a chance to do some old-school, grassroots sex offending, the way my sex-offender forefathers did it. Roughing it builds character. I guess what they say is true: When God closes a door, he opens a window. I get it now."

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22411667