Men take corpse to store to cash check

Two men were arrested on fraud charges after wheeling a dead man through the streets in an office chair and trying to cash his Social Security check at a check-cashing store.

The men said they presented the dead body as a form of identification.

“Everything we did was within the rules of the store,” one man said. “The cashier said asked for two forms of ID, so we brought the guy’s driver’s license and his body. No one ever said cashing a check requires vital signs.”

His partner described what they did as ventriloquism with a purpose.

“We did most of it from below the counter,” he said. “I held the body up against the counter, and my friend took care of all the motion, stuff like pushing the dead guy’s driver’s license across the counter with his hand. I did all of the dead guy’s talking, like explaining why he left one of his feet at the door.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22574676

Religious man cuts off hand, microwaves it

An Idaho man reportedly used a circular saw to cut off one hand and cooked it in the microwave because he believed his hand bore the biblical "mark of the beast."

The mark was later removed from the microwave with a sponge.

"Wiping my hand crumbs out of the microwave was easy, but it took a while to get the mark of the beast off the rotating plate," the man said. "Modern-day cleansers don't seem to work that well on biblical marks, especially with only one arm's worth of elbow grease to put into it.

"This sort of thing worked out better back in biblical days. Back then, when a hand was evil, they could just cut it off and throw it into a fire. I can't do that because having a fire in my apartment would violate my lease, even if it's for biblical reasons. My landlord's crazy, right?"

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22573021

Man mauled after trying to ride pet buffalo

An Arizona man suffered non-life threatening injuries when he was mauled after trying to ride his pet buffalo.

Paramedics treated the buffalo owner after arriving in a time machine.

“When we got the call, we knew we had to pick him up on the frontier because modern people just don’t have buffaloes,” the lead paramedic said. “I guess buffaloes aren’t more popular as pets because people don’t like being mauled anymore. Something about a hoof on a guy’s throat puts a strain on the modern pet-owner relationship.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22464508

Man kept year's worth of trash in his apartment

To make a statement about the environment, a California man saved every piece of trash he generated over the past year and kept it in his apartment.

After a year of living surrounded by trash, he made a second statement seeking organ donors.

“When he came in, he basically was a disease buffet,” said a hospital representative. “It seems that his apartment needs shots. He would have been better off living in a real dump, where it’s ventilated and the rats take on some of the disease load.”

To raise money for his hospital bill, the man plans to have his apartment cleaned enough to be rented as a meth lab.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22455157

N.J. law bans sex offenders from the Internet

Under a law enacted Thursday in New Jersey, convicted sex offenders who used the Internet to help them commit their crimes will be banned from using the Internet.

Sex offenders have called the new law a blessing in disguise.

"This isn't all bad," said a convicted child molester from Newark. "So I can't go online to meet hot kids anymore. This gives me a reason to finally check out some of the playgrounds and parks I've been hearing so much about. They're near my house, so I can walk and get some exercise. That's great, since I pick up kids better when I'm confident about my body. And not having Internet access at home means one less bill for me to pay, so I can spend that money on better candy and toys, or 'bait,' as my parole officer calls it.

"Even better, this gives me a chance to do some old-school, grassroots sex offending, the way my sex-offender forefathers did it. Roughing it builds character. I guess what they say is true: When God closes a door, he opens a window. I get it now."

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22411667

Video game for teens simulates drunk driving

A Canadian design team has developed "Booze Cruise," a video game that simulates drunk driving by giving players 90 seconds to drive home with impaired vision and slowed reaction time.

The game was made to reduce dangerous drunk driving by offering practice.

"Drunk driving is a life skill that isn't being taught anywhere else, so we stepped in with 'Booze Cruise,'" said the University of Calgary professor who led the project. "Most importantly, it teaches teens that the fun of being drunk doesn't have to end at the bar. Life doesn't stand still, and neither should the drunk parts. We plan to incorporate the game into a mentoring program that lets teens learn from older, more experienced drunk drivers. We call it 'Loaded Roads.'"

http://www.reuters.com/article/technology-media-telco-SP-A/idUSN0523260420071008

Chef eats 21 pounds of grits to win contest

Chicago chef Pat Bertoletti won the first World Grits Eating Championship in Bossier City, La., by eating 21 pounds of buttery grits in 10 minutes.

To prepare his body to hold 21 pounds of grits, he had surgery to remove his dignity.

"This win is a real mark of progress for me as a person," he said after the contest. "There used to be a time in my life when I would have been fine with eating like a dignified human, and not like a bulimic puma. But it's amazing what you can do once you get your self-respect out of the way. By the way, if I black out in the next few minutes, don't worry: That's my victory lap."

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21078077