Amy Winehouse to launch clothing line

Amy Winehouse is planning to produce a line of makeup and clothing, having become known for her style in addition to her music and alleged drug abuse.

To experience Winehouse’s lifestyle, customers will be able to make purchases using stereos.

“This line will give a glimpse of the crack-addict experience, but it will not be designed or made by addicts,” the lead designer said. “That would be a disaster. Crack addicts are known for poor sewing, probably because of the twitching. And they’re always kind of distracted.

“The big problem is that crack addicts make unmarketable clothes because they hold people to unrealistic body standards. We always have to tell them, ‘Not everyone can be a hollowed-out husk of a human.’”

The line’s first fashion accessory will be a press-on coke nail for people who don’t trust strangers’ tables.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23374916

Lab releases do-it-yourself paternity test

Sorenson Genomics has released a kit that allows people to conduct paternity tests at home by swabbing the cheeks of the child and the presumed father.

The paternity test works best on men who don’t screen their calls.

“It really helps the test if you can get the guy to show up,” a lab spokesman said. “We considered making the test’s first step to ‘bomb the man with phone calls and surprise visits,’ but society still hasn’t embraced stalking.

“Instead, we added some accessories for the paternity-test kit. For example, we have an arson set that will force the man out of his house and into your life. After he watches his life go up in flames, he’ll find some time for you. One man’s arson is another man’s family planning.”

Link: MyFoxAtlanta.com

Con artists use fake $100 to rip off Girl Scouts

A pair of con artists in Colorado reportedly ripped off a Girl Scout group by using fake money to buy $100 worth of cookies.

Police said the con artists have been sentenced to diabetes.

“It might seem like they’re getting off easy with just diabetes, but it’ll be easier to catch them after they’ve had their feet amputated,” a police spokesman said. “I’ve never seen a footless person who was a strong runner. They have a hard time building momentum. Maybe it’s because they have problems with form.

“And they’ll never find a getaway car with stump-friendly pedals. They could try to attach some cup holders down there, but they’d have to slim down so their stumps would fit.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23244309

Woman dies after falling from U.N. building

A woman who worked at the United Nations’ Secretariat Building died Sunday after falling or jumping from the 19th floor.

The official cause of death is under investigation, but police suspect gravity.

“You hate to see it happen,” a police spokesman said. “Gravity was basically good until it got mixed up with the wrong crowd: pavement and heights. Sure, gravity is cute when it’s young, dropping apples on Isaac Newton’s head. But it’s not so cute when it grows up and starts throwing people from buildings. I blame the parents.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23212737

Internet sex auction leads to paternity battle

A Web site has been ordered to reveal the real names of the winners of an online sex auction, so the woman who held the auction can find out which man is her baby’s father.

Regardless of who the father is, the baby's upbringing will involve syphilis.

“I want my baby to be in touch with his STD heritage,” the woman said. “I’m going to teach him traditional STD songs and dances. I’m learning to make traditional STD baby food, which is a challenge because I’ve never cooked with penicillin. And there might be some STD schools in a few years, with any luck. I’d cross my fingers, but it hurts my lesions.

“I want my child to have solid STD roots. I didn't have that as a kid because my parents didn't meet in an online sex auction.”

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSL1355570120080213

Oprah Store opens in Chicago

The Oprah Store has opened in Chicago, selling items featuring Oprah’s sayings, passions and favorite gurus, as well as Oprah-branded clothes, accessories and household products.

The items can be customized to fit any empty life.

“For example, our tailor can tighten an Oprah T-shirt to help a customer minimize her soul’s screams,” the manager explained. “The Oprah sunglasses can be given an extra-dark tint that blocks introspection. But if some self-evaluation leaks in, the Oprah belts can be given extra loops for a better fit during hanging or heroin use. For convenience, our cafe serves Oprah-brand heroin, which is fat-free.

"But the Oprah Store is about more than just shopping. To promote fitness, we have an interactive exhibit where customers can jog or power-walk to follow an Oprah effigy into a fire. It's for total weight loss."

http://www.suntimes.com/news/metro/783714,CST-NWS-oprah08.article

HIV can be passed to babies in pre-chewed food

Scientists reported that the AIDS virus can be passed from an infected mother to her baby if she pre-chews the baby’s food, as sometimes is done in developing countries.

The scientists said babies in developing countries were more likely to get AIDS as a result of time.

“In those parts of the world, AIDS is like Starbucks,” the lead scientist said. “Hang around there a while, and you’ll pick it up. See the sights, maybe do a little shopping, score some HIV. In fact, if you don’t feel like going out, you can have some AIDS delivered. It’s not always easy to figure out how much to tip, but at least you’ll know your HIV is fresh.”

http://www.reuters.com/article/healthNews/idUSN0631284520080206

Major diabetes study cut off after deaths

The National Institutes of Health abruptly ended a diabetes study after 257 patients died after intense therapy to reduce their blood sugar.

Researchers said those patients’ therapy technically was a total success.

"Some patients died, but their blood sugar wasn’t just reduced; it was eliminated," a researcher said. “That really brought down the blood-sugar average.

“To make it up to their families, we’ll pay for the funeral catering, but none of that low-fat and sugar-free stuff. It’s awful. That’s the last thing a grieving family needs, even if they’re diabetic, too. Live a little.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23029191

Study of baby shampoo raises chemical concerns

According to a new study, chemicals in baby shampoos, lotions and powders may expose babies to reproductive problems.

Researchers said the babies’ main reproductive problem would be trying to have sex.

“The chemicals in the shampoo didn’t help, but the babies never really got a grasp on the sex part of reproduction,” a researcher said. “Maybe it’s because they couldn’t control their hands very well and some of them couldn’t hold their own heads up. They messed up the sheets and everything, but it was totally platonic. If these babies plan to have kids, they need to get this sex thing down before the shampoo chemicals kick in.”

The researchers were arrested for filming the study.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22979800