Lab tech allegedly tried selling stolen sperm

A laboratory technician faces up to seven years in prison for allegedly trying to sell sperm samples he stole from the sperm bank where he worked.

He has been ordered to replace the stolen samples by cleaning the sperm bank’s magazines.

“If he cleans enough magazines, he’ll run across plenty of sperm samples,” a sperm-bank representative said. “It’s just a matter of doing it before the pages stick together. Once sperm gets attached to a magazine page, it's ruined. No woman wants her baby to be half magazine ink.

“The kid would grow up traumatized. He’d be self-conscious about being the only kid with a backward ‘E’ on his nose. He’d be blacklisted from spelling bees. He would be scarred if the school cafeteria served alphabet soup. It would feel like cannibalism.

“It’s just as bad for an ink kid’s parents. They have to go into stores and ask whether children’s sheets and clothes contain Silly Putty.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24260478

Alleged subway groper faces life in prison

A New York man charged with illegally rubbing against a woman on a subway train may be sentenced to life in prison, having been arrested 53 times, mostly for groping.

For his comfort in prison, inmates planning to rape him would be limited to third base.

“He said he’s OK with being groped if it stops there, so we would keep him away from the inmates’ games of ‘Spin the Bottle,’” a prison official said. “They usually get out of control. I think the problem is the game play itself. They grab one of the smaller guys, place him in the middle of the circle and spin him. As it turns out, it doesn’t matter where he stops spinning. The bottle loses, especially when it’s spun face-down. It works out just like the prison version of Connect Four.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24112173

Man in electric wheelchair robs bank

Police in Palo Alto, Calif., are looking for a man who robbed a bank and made his getaway in an electric wheelchair, but investigators are unsure of whether the man was truly disabled.

Investigators expect to find out at the police lineup.

“We’ll know if this bank robber is actually disabled if he goes to the lineup wall in a belly crawl,” an investigator said. “That’s something criminals don’t do unless they don’t have a choice. Criminals like to conserve their upper-body strength, in case they’re invited to a short-notice jail fight. To show up with less than your best is just rude.

“If this bank robber turns out to actually be disabled, he’d better get a manual wheelchair before he goes to jail. If he keeps his electric wheelchair, he’ll have no excuse for showing up at jail fights with tired arms. But they might cut him some slack if he brings a nice bottle of wine. Most trouble in jail is related to poor etiquette. Those guys are kind of catty.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23990763