Obese relative’s fall may have crushed toddler

Investigators in La Joya, Texas, said a 2-year-old boy who died with a fractured skull might have been accidentally crushed after being fallen on by a morbidly obese, bed-ridden relative.

If charged, the woman would face execution by walking.

“Sure, we could put her down in a traditional way, but this way is more useful,” a prison official said. “We would use the footage for a dual-purpose ‘Scared Straight’ video made to keep kids away from jail and obesity. What would work better than footage of a morbidly obese woman dying in a jail walk? It’s just a matter of getting the video right on the first take.

“Also, it would give her a chance to go out on a high note, as far as physical activity. Death by lethal injection or the chair really isn’t good cardio. Fighting against the restraints works your abs and gets your heart rate up, but it’s not enough to burn fat. It’s like the pilates of execution, but without the infomercials.”

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/03/21/toddler.crushed.ap/index.html

Report: Zoo unprepared at time of tiger attack

According to a new report, although the San Francisco Zoo’s staff reacted well when a tiger fatally attacked a man in December, the zoo was unprepared for a tiger attack.

Inspectors said the exception was the tiger.

“You don’t just rip into a guy like that without some preparation,” an inspector said. “This tiger went to the hotel by the airport and took those workshops on how to save his best rage and not spend it on impulse attacks. When he got back to the zoo, he made a list of attack-related wants and needs, and he made sure not to maul somebody until he really needed to. That’s discipline.

“The tiger should have more than enough fury to cover his retirement. After so many years of being frugal with his rage, he should get to splurge once in a while. He should travel and occasionally maul the guy in the window seat who won’t stop talking to him. A retired tiger shouldn’t feel guilty about spending his anger. You can’t take it with you. And he’s worth it.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23701158

Sperm donors receive tickets to music festivals

Under the Sperm For Tickets initiative, men who make sperm donations in Europe will receive free tickets to any European music festival.

Men who produce sperm donations while in the ticket line will receive their tickets after they post bail.

“The police have a pretty nice setup prepared for these guys,” a Sperm For Tickets representative said. “They’ll get premium listing on the sex-offender registry, so they can notify their neighbors with a YouTube video instead of going door to door. A really good sex-offender announcement can open a lot of doors if the right people see it. It’s just a matter of holding a screening at a theater that’s within two miles and doesn’t have any children around.

“Aside from the legal issues, there’s a bigger problem with a bunch of guys whipping it out and making sperm donations in the ticket line: What would they put their sperm in? We couldn’t take sperm donations in soda cans they found outside. You can’t really pour sperm out of a soda can. Then we’d end up with enemies at the recycling center.”

http://www.nme.com/news/festival/35078

Overdrinking tied to health problems in seniors

According to a new study, people older than 65 are more likely to experience social trouble, medical problems and falls if they drink excessively.

Researchers said seniors can get the same results by waking up.

“For older people, overdrinking is empowering,” the lead researcher said. “At their age, they’re already falling apart, but heavy drinking makes them feel like they had a say. We all know that non-drinking seniors can have medical problems and falls for free, but you get what you pay for. Heavy drinking is an investment.

“Heavy-drinking seniors have peace of mind from having reliable health problems they can count on. On top of that, they can save money on medical costs because carrying a bottle around helps a doctor spot the problem. And there’s no better time for a senior to fall than when they’re drunk. They might have a hard time getting up at first, but things could turn around after a good blackout."

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23521949

Man hits woman on way to anger-control class

A Minnesota man has pleaded guilty to assault charges for losing his temper and punching a woman in the face on his way to an anger-management class.

After punching the woman, he brought her to the anger-management class for show-and-tell.

“Show-and-tell is a fun little thing we do every week,” the instructor of the anger-management class said. “Each student brings in someone they’ve battered and tells the story of what led to the attack. Then, the beat-up person gives their account, if they’re able to speak. It’s like live theater, but with more concussions.

“We keep pictures of the victims they bring in every week, so we can measure the students’ anger-management progress. Each week, the pictures show the black eyes getting lighter and less swollen, and you see more teeth left and less blood as the students become less and less angry. Nothing beats seeing that picture of them gently choking someone while smiling. It makes a great flipbook.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23421960